you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize