I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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