My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
