I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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