i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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