The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
where are my eyebrows?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
