i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
