i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
