My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Randomize
