That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
