I'm pants shitting drunk right now
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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