Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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