An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
