Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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