All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
They have beer where we have blood.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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