My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
