fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Randomize
