Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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