We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
