i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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