somebody snuck up and got me drunk
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
