I have demons in me.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
