if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
