I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
