I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
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