she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize
