I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Don't make out with my wife yet
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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