i need an iv and a liver transplant
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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