she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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