so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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