I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
