I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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