my phone needs a breathalizer
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
