so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
