Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
