you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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