If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
