Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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