This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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