Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
