My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
