i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
