it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
