I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
