she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
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