come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
