Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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