Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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