I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
