i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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