someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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