Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Randomize