do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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